Study proves: girls really do have cooties.

Kyoto, New Zealand

A recent study of the University of Banana Cal, Texas, proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that the ancient myth is true. Girls have cooties. We talked to professor dr. Herbert M. Yaflyesopen, the scientist that conducted the study.

DLC: Hey professor, whaddup?

Yaflyesopen: Nothing much bish, whaddup with you?

DLC: Professor, in the results of your study you claim that it has been proven that girls have cooties. But how could you prove such a thing, aren't cooties invisible and such and so?

Y: The first thing you should know is a general thing about science. The thing with science is that it’s very, very complicated, and you probably wouldn’t understand the gist of it, so don’t try. If I would try to explain science on the retarded level of the general public I would probably say we used nanomachines, a term with which some people are vaguely familiar.

DLC: And with these machines you discovered cooties?

Y: Pretty much so. We first started being interested in the subject of cooties when several troubling reports about an extreme case of cooties rolled in about an Australian woman of about 20 years of age. This woman, a miss Rakkel K., has been exposed to our rigid testing for the period of one year. We gave her a lot of chiliburgers as well, because after all, even scientists are friendly humanistic characters, and you don’t have to fear them.

DLC: What did you find on this girl, this Rakkel K.?

Y: Oh, I wouldn’t call her a girl, sir, she’s a witch! For sure! The results of our tests were quite astounding. We found over one hundred bazillion different types of cooties on her epidermis. She was literally crawling with cooties. We poundered over her fate, sitting in comfy chairs and drinking brandy. It was all quite dramatic, I fear. In the end we had no choice, we had to burn her.

DLC: Burn her? That sounds rather drastic, doesn't it?

Y: I can assure you, all of the burning has been done in a mood of absolute objectivity and science. If this woman had gotten out into the world again, she would’ve almost certainly spread her cooties to a number of different boys. The results of which would be quite grave! A pandemic of cooties would almost certainly follow! Almost certainly!

DLC: I see. What will happen now?

Y: We’ve come to our extraordinary conclusions, burned the witch, wiped the ash of our brows and coats, but our task is by no measure coming to its end. We need to do a lot of comparative study and quantative analysis to determine if we should burn more young women in the future. Chances are, we do. [Stares blankly into the morning mist, even though it’s afternoon.] Damn you, cooties, damn you.

DLC: I thank you for this interview.

Y:No problem, porky. Here, have a chiliburger!